Characters of a Family

1. Arrogance
2. Fear
3. Envy
4. Greed
5. Neglect
Oh, wait, Love should be number 1.
It should be number 2 to 5 as well.
What I saw in my family was competition, favoritism, envy, neglect, hate, abuse, and pretentious shows of what were photo-op like gestures of caring.
Was I fortunate to be born and raised in North America, yes. Was I always fed, clothed and sheltered, mostly. Still, there were the occasional nights out in the cold, there were occasional fears of not getting enough to eat, and there were definitely fears at times for my safety within the shelter I called home.
Was it all bad? No. Was I privileged to enjoy sailing, traveling, riding horses, and education? Yes.
What was so terrible?
My path in life has been like being in a maze. I don’t think that was unintentional, I don’t think it was necessary. There were influences that shaped my path as such that I believe were intentionally designed to.
Not consciously, because if anyone were conscious they would never be so unkind.
No one should ever favor one child over another, but its done and done to such an extent that it goes so far as to sabotage and create distress in another siblings life if they appear to succeed to a higher degree than the favored one or even the parents! That is sad.
What is more sad is that my own self understanding has let me see the faults in myself, to mourn the mistakes I have made, to grieve for the pain I have caused, and the loss myself and my family have suffered and yet there are family members that continue to be cold, selfish, greedy and envious without it bothering their conscience.
It seems it will never end as a new generation enters the cycle.
At times my anger rises, my despair comes back.
I have learned though. I will protect. There wont be any more cruel remarks allowed or tolerated. No guilt trips, no put downs, no unkind judgements designed to take away pride in accomplishment of reaching hard worked for goals.
Life has been good to me, I see that, I will not let anyone affect me with their jealousy, their indignation that I may be happy, or successful.
I am wise, I see inside the hearts of the ones who were supposed to guide me with love.
I see what motivates.
Its sad. Its done. Its over.
Life is good now.


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