Learning: A Long Road Forward

That was the beginning of what I call being completely dissassembled. What I thought of myself, how I reacted, how I related to people, how I stood up for myself, these things were about to be torn apart, almost to the point of me becoming completely helpless to defend myself from being preyed on in my vulnerable state of mind.
How did the counselor get $8000 from me? How did the man move into my house from the counselling group? How did I get involved with a man who took over my finances and eventually took my home?
I became so unwilling to assert myself for fear of hurting someone. I felt I had been too assertive within my marriage and had been so focused on my own life and career that I wasnt sensitive enough to my husband. The loss turned me around to be an easy target for these kinds of people. Seeing my weakness they easily took what they wanted from me, like candy from a baby. Counselors, financial planners, real estate agents, friends, even some family, saw opportunity. It has taken me this long to learn what value I have, and how to be strong and have control over my life and my business without hurting anyone.

Qualicum Beach

Suddenly Left; Surviving the sudden loss of a spouse.

The emotional and psychological trauma and grief that you have to pass through when you lose someone you love, is beyond words. It doesn’t end there though. There is no one to rescue you, or save you, or make it all better, because you have truly lost what you loved, and it can never be replaced. Going forward is hard, but for the sake of your future and anyone who is dependant on you making it through this, there are some things you need to take care of, no matter how devastated you are. If you have no one in your life capable, caring, kind hearted, or motivated enough to help you, you have to take of yourself. Here are some important and basic things a woman needs to know about finances in order to avoid being completely taken advantage of.
1 .Do not give all your money away to counselors hoping to get comfort and answers. There are many clever and greedy ones out there who will happily take what they can.
2. Learn what it really takes financially to live. What is the cost per month for necessities? You don’t have him to protect and provide for you anymore. Really look at things practically. Buying “stuff”to make things better isn’t what you need.
3. Beware of financial planners who want you to mortgage your home to get funds for investment, or anything else they come up with to get your money. Once you learn what your real basic needs are, you can look at what kind of income you need.
4. Say NO to ANY man that suddenly falls in love with you!!! It’s going to take a long, long time, to get over your husband. Being on your own is hard, but necessary.
5. Reduce your level of commitment, responsibilities, and chores if you can. You need time to rest, take care of yourself, and get through grief that is physically and emotionally devastating.
6. Ofcourse, if you have children they need your full time attention and care. That means they come before anything.

I knew none of this and was a victim of all the mistakes I talk about. I wish I had been more aware and knowledgable.
I was 18 when I moved in with my husband and never had to work outside the home and was very sheltered. Along with being completely devastated, it was like being thrown to the wolves when my husband died. I was easy prey for the counselors, realtors, financial advisors, and anyone I turned to for help. It was a very unsafe time for me, and I have paid with my soul, for every lesson I have learned, to get through it.

Poem: The Storm in Ann

ImageCrashing, loud, fiery, fighting against nothing. Fleeting moments of clarity, victory brilliance.

Flares burning, flawlessly in the sky

Chronic pain like a cigarette burning,

Open the door, eyes looking in,

An optimist with no hope, crowned the queen of underdogs. My skin, my saddle, my mind, my rider. What riddle must I solve to avoid the repossession of my soul.

The moccasin of you that softened every step is lost, stolen by the clever crow, who came in the early morning mist, and the chill will never leave, as I stand on the bluff and call your name.